i have the best mom

and the best part is she's also the best friend :) shopping at the gateway isn't nearly so much fun with someone else. we can spend over an hour trying on just jeans and have a blast. followed by a red velvet cupcake and hot chocolate. she's amazing. and the strongest woman i know, i love her. today was a much need relief and good end to a depressing and horrible month. febuary was definitely a challenging month, but with march comes a new understanding a take on life. march is the beginning. i may still be hurting, but i'll show the world that nothing can fully break me. especially with the best support.

ever wish you had an escape button? this is exactly how i feel tonight. getting lost in a pretend world, where no one can take away your happiness. i'm in definite need of a gratitude list.

muttley. my awesome kitty that i've had for around nine years.
and of course spork. my cuddle buddy.
she and him -- for calming me down.
diet coke
nail polish
+ my awesome relaxing room

nighttime gratitude list.

my friend. because we skip the bullshit.
my doggie. his butt tork and kisses when i get home make life so much more meaningful.
love. the real kind that makes you want to do better, be better for us.
mornings were i know i'm the perfect me.
wanting to volunteer and finally doing it.
and the feeling afterwards. priceless.
going to sleep feeling happy. peaceful.

tomorrow is another day that you're alive.
that's something to be thankful for.

"opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

thomas a. edison

and my room is finally done!

Eeeeeee! :)
super happy + excited for this new journey. Nothing can happen unless you set your mind to it and do it. But after you accomplish it, it's the BEST feeling.

my awesome new room :)
took almost a week + was completely worth it.

I've learned

nothing good will happen until you want it to
happiness is always in the heart and you can choose who to share it with
puppies can always make you happy
re-doing your room is an awesome way to start off fresh
make yourself happy first because in the end that's all that matters
go on a vacation. clear your mind :)

how i feel today :)

until we meet again

my angel.
that's what my Odie is to me now. nothing that has happened in the last week could have been done without his loving eye watching. pushing me.

i bought paint
got a job interview
going to two shows come may
and an appointment for my tattoo

none of these things i've been wanting since i moved here could have happened without him guiding me, and i can choose to believe this. He is still my rock. the shining light pushing me to a new future. he inspires me to do better for my family. nothing beats family. nothing.

my odie
until we meet again

bubbles & booger

celebrated five years with my love yesterday :)
had an awesome dinner and then an awesome night. followed my a lovely relaxing morning.
it's so nice having someone i can feel completely me around. he loves my quirks and finds them even cute.

i feel like when you start dating someone at sixteen you have to deal with a lot of immature points, but the last six months have been amazing. i can't picture a life without him and  me. i love him more and more with every year that passes. he's my other half. my soul mate.

what I'm grateful for...

my awesome love. he completes me.
music.
music.
music.
my spork.
tea.
cupcakes.
my beatles poster.
love.

stay where you are, please don't break my heart

do you ever feel like the universe has plans for you but they're not the plans you want? I wanted to live happily with my odie and work to get us a home, but apprently the universe has other ideas. Sometimes I just don't feel in control anymore... there's so many things i want out of life. so many "i wishes"

i wish to be skinny
i wish to make good money
i wish i had my baby back
i wish my hair would grow longer
i wish
i wish
i wish

why is happiness so hard to reach? why do we strive to be so thin that we forget how to be happy? why do we let boys destroy our dreams?
At one point in our lives we reach our breaking point. Where we either stop feeling like shit everyday and change, or we let it destroy our lives. I don't want to let life win. I want to go to the beach this summer and feel pretty. I want to get out of debt and move. I want to be ME. We'll see where things take me from here. The universe has a way of opening our minds to a bright future, but you can't get there without a little hard work, optimism and passion.

love you in my daydream...

this song has been playing in my mind all day..
awesome, amazing lyrics.

Gratitude for the night

my sporky
my sister
my mixed berry green tea
my elliptical
dreams
my mom & her cooking
baked chicken
my nightly calls from my lover
singing

forever, and ever baby boy.

You get better

Today has been easier than I expected. I thought all the memories would come flooding back, over taking everything and forcing me to cry all morning. Instead I worked out, drank my morning tea and told him I loved him. Sometimes it takes something huge and devastating to make life seem real again. To make you remember what you wanted out of it.

"sometimes the universe takes away certain things from our lives in order to open up the space needed to create the next big thing for us."

This week is like a fresh start. I know I don't want to be the girl that stays unemployed living at her parents house till she's thirty. I want to be happy. But in this world full of highs and lows we just have to...

...keep breathing
...never give up
...work hard hard hard

Happiness

something i've learned today..
     happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.


this really brings light to everything i'm going through. I want to be happy knowing I loved him with everything in me. He has made me want to make the best of this year. I want to accomplish things I only sat and dreamed about. I want the happiness I have for him to show on the outside. Gieving is apart of losing someone so dear, and crying is nothing to be ashamed of, but I want to take what he's given me and make something of myself.

I want to...
Dye my hair something funky even though my dad will freak
Get a tattoo because I finally have something to be truly thankful for
Go to college in the fall
Go to california and the beach this summer
Start learning the guitar
Spent more time doing things to make ME happy

He has given me so much love. Not a second went by where I didn't feel it from him.... and even though his isn't beside me, his soul and memories keep me feeling loved. That is what will keep me going.
My heart is filled with so much happiness and love from him. Lifetimes of it... and no more than ever is a better time to show myself I can conquer life.

I'll always love you ...

I find myself always scared to move on. especially after my best friend and son passed away monday. Was the hardest most scariest thing i've ever had to go through. I can't sleep in my bed anymore, and just seeing his hair on my blanket makes me want to break down. Its so hard knowing you have to move on and keep breathing without him by my side.
Sometimes I think i'm getting a little better. I went to the store finally and even let Spork outside, but then when everyone goes to bed my wall breaks down. I'm scared to move on because I don't want to forget him. I don't want to put all his toys and things away but I know I will never be able to live without doing so. They say it will get easier but when your world leaves you so suddenly its hard to believe one can get happy again.

I would give anything to have my family back again.
I miss you Odie..

My Odie

January 31st, 2011 = the worst day of my life.
I lost my best friend. My giant teddy bear. My son.